like tom petty said

We’re only on month two of this journey, but as the song goes…the waiting is the hardest part.  I’ve been on birth control for ten years. First Depo Provera, then Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo. My cycle regulation since going off has been…interesting.

First cycle off: 41 days
Second cycle off: 29 days
Third cycle: 21 days and counting (will it be early? late? not at all?)

I’ve noticed during this cycle that the hardest wait for me is the second half of the cycle, the part where I know I COULD be preggers. The first two weeks felt carefree, lighthearted, and fun. Now I find myself this week trying to fill my time (dance class last night, dance class tonight, workout class tomorrow, dinner with a friend on Thursday) trying to catapult myself as quickly and happily as possible into next week…into a period….or maybe not.

The weirdest part is not knowing my body and what the way I feel means. I actually feel like I’m about to get my period. Is it coming early? Did we totally miss my ovulation window thinking my cycle would be about the same length as last month when it will really be shorter?

But like I told hubby this morning, maybe what I’m feeling is just the need to go to the bathroom.

TMI, huh?


hesitant hope with a dash of worry

Is anyone else here as impatient as I am? I try to be all zen and stuff, but hubby and I decided to make a baby one and a half months ago and I’m dying to be pregnant now, now, now. Physically, that’s almost impossible at this point as we’re just not that far into it yet and even though I know that, it doesn’t keep me from running over statistics and worrying about how long it might take us.

I’m a little grumpy because of work too. Things have been extra busy here (I do marketing for the Southeast region of a national U.S. company) and while I like to be busy, I’m feeling a little overstressed this week. With that piled on top of my nervousness and excitement about trying to conceive and it was really only a matter of time before I got on hubby’s nerves.

This morning we were sitting at our Mesa (more about that later…it’s part of our spiritual practice and basically means “altar”) and I started spouting off numbers.

“If my cycle is back to normal this month then it’s possible we could know whether or not I’ve gotten pregnant this cycle by the time we go to visit your family for Mother’s Day, because the morning we leave will be day 30. Wouldn’t that be great if we got pregnant the first month trying and could tell them in May?”

insert deep breath, and

“Really, even if we do everything right, there’s only a 25-30% chance of us conceiving in any given cycle.”

Finally hubby (gently) asked me to stop with the statistics, and my feelings were crushed. He’s a big sweetie, but his personality is a much better natural fit for the minimalism I was talking about yesterday. I’m more of an eager work in progress.

I explained to hubby that my first comment was my way of enjoying my hesitant hope, and the second was my way of reminding myself not to worry too much if it doesn’t happen right away. I also reminded him that as minimalist as I want to be, my brain does process things this way, and I need him to bounce my excitement and fear off of, even if it does take the form of numbers sometimes. Since we are keeping our journey of conception a secret I have no one else to talk to about these kinds of things.

Hubby understands. I said I’ll try to work on calming down with the mathematics and he said he’ll try to go with the flow when I let my worry translate into facts and figures. He is (like I said) a sweetie.